how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
