I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
