He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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