Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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