I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
