Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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