Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
