Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize