Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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