We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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