was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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