your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
