this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize