u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
