Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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