haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
