you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
