I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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