Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
