i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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