My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
