I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
