I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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