she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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