Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You need a sexual gate keeper
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
