I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
