I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I looked at my own cervix.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
