he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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