Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
