i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm too high and old for this...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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