this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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