just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Found your dick twin last night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
