Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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