fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
