If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
