I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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