Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
