I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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