I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
