my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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