I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
