no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
