I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize