You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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