I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
