I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
