I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
