shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
