someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
