Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You pole danced in your parka.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
tell me about the eggs
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
