you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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