ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
