I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I could make wine with my vomit
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
