can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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