u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
