the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
