wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
