dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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