Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
