The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Randomize
