It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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